I was talking to a friend the other day & we touched on what it feels like to have a broken heart. Not from a significant other.. but from a friend.
In my opinion, friends can be soulmates and sometimes soulmates are meant to be seasonal. When you come across a “friend soulmate” & the friendship dissolves, you’re left with a broken heart that is much more world-shattering than that caused by a former lover.
I had a very intimate friend circle growing up. I loved them all dearly (still do) and shared almost every aspect of my life with them. There was one in particular that I closer to than the others though. She knew all my secrets & I knew hers. We cried together, laughed together, created together. We talked all the time. We spent holidays with each other.
Then.. in 2015 it all changed. I became very depressed. I even thought about suicide. On the outside, I was all smiles. I knew I couldn’t pretend around my circle though. They’d see through my facade. So I became distant to them & latched onto another group of friends because they’d never be able to call me out & say “I know you’re not okay!”.
I’d hit my main group chat every once in a while but eventually they stopped responding to me so I stopped reaching out. I couldn’t blame them. I was being a shitty friend. Secretly I wanted them to rescue me.. I wanted her to rescue me. I wanted her save me from myself. I just didn’t know how to send my smoke signal.
Fast forward to about 10-12 months later I suppose.. we all met up. At first it was all shits & giggles. It was like we never missed a beat… Then came the conversation.. the questions.. They wanted an explanation. (Couldn’t say that I didn’t blame them.)
The whole thing seems blurry now but there’s one part I will never forget… I was trying to explain myself as best I could.. trying to reason why I disappeared. Tearily I said, “How was I suppose to tell my best friends that I wanted to kill myself?”. She looked at me and said sternly, “Don’t you cry.” In the moment, my heart shattered. How could she say that to me of all people? Now, I realize she was coming from a place of hurt. I had already broken her heart by pushing her away.
We tried to rebuild our friendship a few times throughout the years since then but it was never really the same. I watch from afar, cheering her on as I see her accomplish all the goals she told me about years ago. I’m SO happy for her… for all of them. I want nothing but the best for them. Do I wish I could still be by their sides? Hell yes! But sometimes we have to love others from a distance because we no longer fit into their lives and vice versa.
Soulmates are miraculous people. They’re there for you throughout all the good, bad, and ugly. Sometimes they’re seasonal soulmates and sometimes they’re for a lifetime. You can always be sad that it ended, but why not just try to be happy that it happened & you’ve got some dope stories to tell your kids (or take to the grave).
For me personally, if I’ve ever said I love you, I meant that shit and I’m always going to love you. The effect to which I love you may change but the love will definitely always be there. So I try to always hold on to that.
With the love, comes the memories. With the memories, comes the heartbreak… but like Alfred Lord Tennyson said, “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”.
Some heartbreaks may never heal but it’ll definitely hurt a little less in the days that follow. Whether a it’s a lover or a friend that causes the heartbreak, it’s painful. Just try to hold on to the happiness a little harder, smile at the memories more than you cry at them, and never stop wishing the best for that person. You wanted the best for them prior to your broken heart, so why stop now?
Until next time; Be YOU. Do YOU. LOVE YOU 💜