I planned on writing after work today, but here I am at 1:15AM with my phone in hand and a word on heart, post-anxiety episode.
Anxiety isn’t something I’ve dealt with my entire life. It actually introduced itself gradually during my college years and kind of made a home in a compartment of my mind around the age of 23. It’s not something to take lightly. It honestly fucking sucks.
My chest gets tight. I can hear my heartbeat drowning out every other sound around me. Sometimes I cry out of fear. Sometimes I want to break things out of anger. Sometimes I’m just completely numb.
I watched my grandma take these tiny pills the size of my pinky nail, to calm her down. I didn’t understand anxiety then but I’ll be damned if life didn’t smack me with a dose of it. No one explained why my grandma had to take these pills. I just knew when she would get anxious, she’d ask me to get one for her.
In these past 7 years, I’ve had to learn how to combat my own anxious feelings; Silence the loud roaring of my heartbeat. Tell myself it’s okay, to get the tears to stop. Learn to control my breathing so I don’t feel so claustrophobic in this big world.
I ran across this post on my social media one day:
I have this saved in my phone in case of an emergency. One day I was driving to work in a storm (this makes me VERY anxious), and I ended up having to pull over and use this technique. It’s legit. I was able to get centered while the storm was passing me over and continue my drive to work.
Having anxiety pisses me off. I want to go back to the days when I didn’t know what it felt like to be anxious. I’m lucky enough to be able to manage it on my own without medication but not everyone can. If you’re one of those people who cannot, listen up:
- Anxiety does not and will not define you if you do not let it.
- You have to know that you are strong and having to take medication to help you manage it, does not make you weak or less-than.
- We all have our quips about us and truthfully, we can’t see most people’s.
- Don’t get caught-up on what you may consider a character flaw. Think of it more like a super power. (I know, easier said than done.)
- As much as having anxiety pisses me off, I’ve come to look at it like this; I feel things much more deeply. I am more sensitive to others. I’ve learned how to orchestrate my own heartbeat. I’ve become more honest with my feelings. I’ve learned to be kinder to myself.
In the past hour I’ve had to use some of those superpowers. My heartbeat is more of a lullaby instead of a roaring thunder right now. My breathing has slowed back to a normal pace. My chest no longer feels like a bag of bricks is laying on it. It’s okay to be your own hero and save yourself.
If you struggle with anxiety, I pray you learn how to tap into your superpowers sooner rather than later. Remember:
Until next time; Be YOU. Do YOU. LOVE YOU 💜