You ever have those days where your emotions are triggered and they literally flow from you like a raging river? Same. Today is one of those days for me.
A year ago today I posted this:
I just happened to open Facebook while I was sitting traffic. (Don’t judge. I was stopped.) This was the first thing that popped onto my screen and I immediately starting crying.
The tears came for several reasons, not just the fact that I miscarried. I cried because I’m still hurting. I cried because I’m disappointed in myself for still questioning God. I cried because I still haven’t gotten pregnant again yet. I cried because I saw a girl in Target over the weekend who announced her pregnancy the same time as me & I thought to myself, “She got to have her baby. Why didn’t I?” I cried because I have yet to feel the happiness again that I did in that short period of time. Ultimately, I cried because I’m grieving.
(In writing this, I realized that I’m still feeling a lot of the same things but I’m not being still enough for God to fully heal my heart.)
I texted my tribe and asked for their prayers. I went to work teary-eyed and shared my story with my boss. I haven’t even been there a full month yet. This woman hugged me, held me, and told me all the work would still be there when we’re all dead and gone so I need to go home and take a day to myself. I was shocked.
So now I’m laying in bed, cuddled up beside my man. He’s a place a peace for me but right now my heart and spirit are HURT.
You see, I thought I had prepared myself for moments like this. (Truthfully, I thought I had deleted it from my page so that it wouldn’t come up in my memories anymore.) I feel so defeated and discouraged because I know I shouldn’t be questioning God’s plan for my life but here I am…
I spoke those words to my momma while talking to her on my drive back home from work. To which she replied, “Always look towards the sun. Even when it’s raining, you know it’s there. Thank God for the sun every day.”
So my advice to you (and clearly myself), is to look towards the sun today. No matter where you are, or what the weather is like outside, look for the sun! It’s always there somewhere.
Until next time; Be YOU. Do YOU. LOVE YOU💜