The first time I was diagnosed with depression I was 18. I had lost the only grandparent I knew, my father was sent to prison, & my family got evicted. All of that happened within 3months after graduating high school. Not to mention, I had to move my belongings into my dorm room on the same day as my grandmas wake. We laid her to rest that Saturday and I started my freshman year of college that Monday.
I’m pretty sure I cried every single day of my first semester. I finally spoke to one of my professors and she encouraged me to utilize the counseling services that the university provided. It definitely changed my life for the better.
Fast forward 5 years later. I had a health scare that resulted in a procedure on my cervix and then got on birth control. Worst decision I’ve ever made. I gained 30lbs, lost all my confidence, cried every day, lost all my best friends.. I was severely depressed. I got off of my birth control after almost 2yrs and slowly began to work on myself from the inside out.
Fast forward another 5 years and I’m here. Hanging on by a thread. I lost my baby right as I was entering my second trimester.
I didn’t think I could have kids and God had blessed me. The night I looked at the positive pregnancy test, I placed my hands on my stomach and said, “I prayed for you“. That was December 28th. I lost my baby February 2nd.
I’ve learned some important things throughout my depression years and I know this is repetitive but oh well:
- When the bad waves come, you just got to ride them out. Today was HARD AS HELL! I have cried so much I’ve given myself a headache.
- The people that love you the most are probably not going to be there for you because they don’t know how. I lost my childhood best friends because they didn’t understand my depression. It still hurts my heart but I no longer fault them.
- Seeking out a therapist is vital to your mental and emotional well-being. If you have access to health care or not, try to speak with someone at least once. It’s hard battling your inner thoughts alone.
- Let things fall apart. You have to learn that YOU are important. If you’re a giver like me, you’ll continue to pour out even when you’re broken. IT WILL DRAIN YOU. Pour into yourself first and others last.
Sorry for being so long-winded today but I had to get some things off my chest. I’m broken and bitter…In this moment, I feel like I’m permanently in this battlefield. I know it’s just temporary though.. I just have to ride it out. Here’s to a better mental health day tomorrow.
Until next time; Be YOU. Do YOU. LOVE YOU💜